Barcelona

I have been in this adventure for the past month and ten days. I am going the two biggest questions: why did I came, and what am I doing.
I came to do an internship to end my course in Culinary Production and Management. I started the course in March last year, and to end it we have to complete a two month internship wherever we want, as long as accepted of course. It's kind of a sad story really, the why I chose this place. I sent a lot, and I mean A LOT of emails to many places, restaurants and hotels, in Lisbon, where I have lived my entire live. No one got back to me, no one. I had two months til I was supposed to start the internship, so I started to freak out obviously, because I still had to work the whole thing out with the school, and make a contract and stuff. My boyfriend still hadn't thought about it by then and I was kinda freaking out for the both of us. He said he wanted to go to Madeira, and the thought of being away from him and alone in Lisbon made me feel - i cant find a word that describes it really, like my heart sunk and got very tight and I had to pretend to be ok with it because it is his choice and I'm not going to be the person who holds him back and I support him in every choice he makes. So after I knew he was planning on going away from Lisbon, I decided I couldn't be there without him, so I started looking for places elsewhere. I started to send emails to Algarve, where my aunt lives, but they couldn't give me a place to live, so I couldn't go there. I sent to many places in Portugal and no one got back to me. So finally I realized this was my chance to do something I always wanted to do, which is to travel, and I had some money saved up so this could work. Well, I sent emails to various places on earth, like London, Barcelona, Ibiza and Africa. Several restaurants and hotels in those places, and only got one answer, from the hotel where I am now intern in Barcelona. In the whole process I sent emails to more than 20 places, and looking back, I freaked out for no reason and I had more time and I could have sent emails to more places. But I got answered three times, that's 3 out of 20+. And now that I am here, I really wish I would have sent more emails, and got to a restaurant instead of an hotel. Because now I am alone, in a city I don't know, that speaks a language I am not fluent at, working at a place I don't really like, because all I do is bag things up in a vacuum machine, and turns out my boyfriend got to a really good place in Lisbon, and only with about a month ahead of the start of the internship, whereas me got freaked out and made this rash decision with four months advance.
I worry about me, really, I worry I don't make good decisions and I put myself in "uncomfortable shoes" on purpose. I guess a lot of women do, since they decide to wear high heels... I do made some good decisions so far tho, in the past year, I decided to be with this wonderful man instead of being with a boy who preferred to play videogames and stood me up in a sketchy metro stop wanting for him. The old me would made the worst decision possible, so I think I am learning, even if slowly. And by making this good one, others came along, because this wonderful man I was talking about, made me learn a lot not only about myself, but also about chasing what you want, and being romantic, and about thinking about the good you can make, and about how you can help other people. I believe he's not to blame I started to do better, he's just the person who turned on the switch and made me realize the good I have in me. And I thank him everyday for that (even if silently). I do really love this man, and I know that this two months and twelve days apart (now only one month and one day left) will benefit our relationship. Because in this time, I've realized how much more I miss having him next to me than what I expected. And each day it grows, and in this moment I pity the english language for not having a proper word for "saudade", which is kinda like longing and missing but not quite.
In conclusion, I don't regret this decision, and maybe it's not really a bad one because it will lead to good things, but I really am feeling alone here, and I just wanted to express that in words. And I am not making a list of things I miss, because it would double this post. I will simply say: I miss you.

-R