when impossibility hits you (in the face)

well, i was thinking, about all that's been happening to me, what happen this summer, the people i met, the people i've started talking, the people i stoped talking, and i realized that the more you want something, more unreachable she gets. i also realized i feel atracted to older, taller and impossible to get guys, it's kinda bad and it burns inside to pass a guy like that and cant be all over him, i sure hope no one realizes whom i am really talking about, cuz i will not say, but i wanted to let it out anyway.

i'm accustomed to being the shortest person around, but sometimes its enough, people are used to call me shortie and curve in a way that they get the height i have and i do not like it, it makes me feel worse. i wish i could spend one only day at least with no one calling me short or refferencing that in any way ..

my parents are split in allmost.. hmm.. about for months or more i guess, now that i think about it i don't really remember the exact date, it was like a spread of splitting, i dunno. i sometimes think about how my life would be right now if that didnt had happen, and i realize that i probably couldnt go out as much, i couldnt even imagin anymore how things would be around the house with dad still here, it'd be just weird.

sometimes i think of murder, blood, killing, suicide, that kind of stuff (i know, PSYCHOO), but anyway, i think of that but i would never do that sort of  things, it just that my imagination goes there without me being able to avoid it, i start imagine a guy being killed in the most strange or original way, or me having a awful car accident, and thats why i hate cars, i dont want to drive one, i prefer motorcycles (i know, ''thats worse man, u have more probability to have an accident in a moto than in a car'', but dude, i fear cars and love motos, thats life).

the possibility of ever having a boyfriend or girlfriend ever again starts to seem impossible to me, [i know this didnt and doesnt make any sense] i feel confortable alone, but in other point of view, i miss phone calls in a weird calling hour, the talking about everything and know everything about someone, the look in that persons eyes when the say ''i love you'', the look across the hall saying ''i cant wait to get near you'', tangerine, any look man, the texting, the telling where i am so that he\she can meet me there, the kisses, the silent hugs and the awesome trips to anywhere, the support when i most need, the confort, the self caring, everything.

all of this are impossible things. really be with an older taller guy, not being caller short for a day, getting not weird around my parents when they're together, murder anyone or myself, have a bf or gf.